India, March 28 -- It's a little odd to wonder if you are an elephant when you are luxuriating in one of the most iconic resorts in the Maldives.

But yes, it happened to me.

"We feel your trunk is the problem. It is too large," the resort doctors told me with great solemnity. I waited for them to make similar unflattering comments about my ears or my tail. But no, it was my trunk they were obsessed with.

"The basic problem with your kind of trunk," they continued, "is that it puts too much pressure on the rest of the body. It affects blood pressure and the heart. Do you understand that?"

I nodded gravely and wondered if they would reward me with a banana.

As they went on it became clear that the trunk they had in mind had nothing to ...