India, Oct. 21 -- A forty-three-year-old male client tells me, "I'm tense as the festive week is coming up. My sister is considered the 'golden child' and while I have worked hard to prove myself responsible, I don't think my parents or sister acknowledge this. There are no fights, but a lingering tension and imbalance that takes away from the joy of celebrations." I see this consistent theme in therapy sessions in the days preceding festivals which continues to linger weeks after. Festivals seem to stir up complex unspoken feelings within families - an extension of low-grade tensions simmering for years that bubble up and put a damper on the festive spirit. If you are experiencing this, you are not alone. Whether we acknowledge or not, all families have an undercurrent of ambivalence in relation to other family members. That's why festive occasions evoke nostalgia and feelings of togetherness often laced with inequality which have lain dormant but get re-activated. I often tell clients that families, knowingly or unknowingly, carry an invisible ledger of give and take. This ledger has a long list of grievances unaddressed, log of perceived injustice, neglect and then a tally of responsible, ethical behaviours we engaged in. The ledger looks different for different people in the family and that's why the word, "perceived" is crucial. Hence, two siblings' ledgers may look different even though they may have been through the same event in the past. It was Ivan Boszormenyi Nagy, a Hungarian American psychiatrist and founder of contextual family therapy, who introduced the concept of invisible loyalties and invisible ledger. At the heart of the ledger are values which play an important role across relationships. Equality, fairness, care, feeling seen and efforts acknowledged are threads that underlie each ledger. It is by no means an attempt to hurl blame or evoke guilt but focuses on give and take in relationships. Yet, as we carry this ledger and when we perceive imbalance, we feel resentment. We spend quality time with family during festivals, where the culture of hosting, organizing get-togethers and gifting creates a space where family dynamics begin to show up. The disruption of routines and constant socializing that puts people in close proximity often creates a scope where inhibitions are lowered. When the guard is down, sometimes words spoken even in the guise of humour trigger old wounds. And then the invisible ledger comes alive. Clients often share feelings of hurt, feeling unseen when a Diwali pooja begins without them because others forgot, or when their efforts in organizing, hosting or bringing the family together go unnoticed or unacknowledged. Family dynamics are complex, deeply entrenched and don't change so easily. A big part of adulting is recognizing how we can be aware of this and not fall prey to bitterness. Learning to be mindful of re-calibrating our expectations of others is a good starting point. Choosing to pay attention to childhood roles that no longer serve us well may create some space for us to understand our feelings and the dissonance family get-togethers evoke. Lastly, choosing to extend self-compassion, and accepting that others may not change or see you the way you want to be seen can allow some ease. Adulting also lies in recognizing the unnecessary pressure we create in wanting festive occasions to be perfect and harmonious....