India, June 24 -- A 48-year-old male client in therapy tells me, "There is a pattern to what really hurts me and what I struggle most with. I have always believed that if I'm fair to others, others will in turn be fair to me. While this has turned out to be true most of the time, I'm wondering if there is a problem with the way I'm thinking about it and in turn bringing myself more misery and unhappiness." Another 35-year-old client tells me, "I have been thinking a lot about how some beliefs have unintentionally or intentionally been controlling my life. While I know it sounds stupid, I still believe that everybody should like me. I'm calm, generally sociable and nice to people so I believe that liking me shouldn't be tough." What both clients are talking about is a thread that often shows up in therapy sessions. We hold certain beliefs and ideas about the world and how it works. This is what I call as 'rules of the universe', which show up in the form of 'must' and 'should' and while we have made these rules for ourselves, we believe that this is how the world or people around must work. As a friend pointed out, maybe these are rules we have made for the world and believe they are true. Albert Ellis, an American psychotherapist who pioneered the Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy in the mid-1950's talked about this and referred to these ideas as irrational beliefs that have an impact on how we think, feel, act and how we navigate life and relationships. Whether we are aware of these ideas or not, they do seem to control us and shape our narratives of happiness, fairness, interpersonal satisfaction and our expectations from others. He talks about how there are 'three musts' that most people carry and each of these beliefs has an expectation built into it which determines the lens by which we view others and the world. 'I must be liked and have the approval of others' 'Everyone must treat me well, and fairly at all times' 'Life must be easy and not complicated' These three beliefs end up adding to our sense of unhappiness. The important thing to remember is that these beliefs are our own rigid expectations from the world, our loved ones and even from people we work with or barely know. Adulting largely in my eyes is beginning to see clearly and our capacity to call ourselves out when we find ourselves falling for these beliefs. A good starting point is to identify values that you want to believe in and use as a compass to understand and navigate the world. Once you have identified the values, it's important to pause and ask yourself if these values are important to everyone in the world and if they are not - you are already close to recognising and being mindful of your own irrational belief. For example: you may like to be fair to people, however that doesn't guarantee that others wouldn't be unfair to you. You need to recognise that some values that are crucial to you are unilateral, meaning you will not want to change them. For example: being on time, choosing to be fair, being kind, seeing people with a lens of compassion and believing that there is inherent goodness in everyone. While you can embody these values, the trick as an adult is knowing that others around you may or may not believe in these, so continuing to believe in these ideas requires courage, conviction and clarity. A recognition that 'must' and 'should' come in the way of our satisfaction and while we can have preferences about how we want people and life to be - yet we can't control it....