Pakistan, July 21 -- They say Lahore lives to eat. I say Lahore dies doing it.

This is a city where breakfast is a blood sport, butter is a currency, and the phrase "he passed peacefully" often means "right after halwa puri."

While most people return from Lahore with a few extra kilos, I came back with an essay (it had been sitting in my memory bank, forgotten to be posted)-and my arteries still intact. I present to you a culinary chronicle from the Walled City, where I tasted nothing but experienced everything.

Yes, I went.

Yes, I watched.

No, I didn't eat.

Because this is what happens when a man on statins walks into a food festival disguised as a city.

Enjoy the tale. And remember: in Lahore, every meal could be your last-so mak...